June 15, 2008

• Lessons From My Fathers

  Lessons From My Fathers: Two Sides of the Same Coin
  By Cheri Jones Roberts Herald

  When I was twelve, I was adopted by my step-father. I didn’t want it, but I agreed in order to please my mother. My name was changed, along with my birth certificate, and a part of my identity was shredded with the original. I spent years recovering from the effects of two "aholics": an alcoholic and a workaholic. The first fathered me, then abandoned me. The second raised me in the midst of an abandonment I wasn’t allowed to denigrate--he was making money. In my mother’s eyes, they were opposites of character: one to be despised, the other revered. I’ve come to realize that they were the reverses of a single coin, one that might be flipped to determine which affected me the most.

  I learned that earthly fathers are not perfect.

  Whether it be addiction to alcohol, drugs, or work, one excuse is as good as another for failure and excess; but, it is possible to change our destiny. Balance is the mark for which we should aim. Perfect parenting is not necessary for a child to become a productive member of society, and it is achievable for one who has not been perfectly parented to learn to be a good parent. There is a heavenly father who never leaves us. He can fill the hole, allowing us to be whole.

  My fathers taught me a work ethic.

  Sloth is not desirable, neither is obsession. I learned to work, to contribute, and not to take advantage of the system. Honesty is important, as is trust. I learned to be a good employee, not to change jobs too often, and to have a goal for betterment. I learned to go after my goal in do-able increments and to persevere. I learned to get up after falling, to reflect on what went wrong and to come up with a new plan. I learned to use my gifts, and to not use my deficits as an excuse to fail.

  I learned the value of money.

  Mother still teases me about a statement I declared as a teenager, “I won’t need money.” I don’t know what I thought I would live on, but I still view money as a means to an end, not as an all-consuming goal. My father chased it as a pie-in-the-sky dream, my step-father craved it as a badge of society’s approval. I earn, I tithe, I save for the future, but I also spend. I have nice things and I use them. My good china is not for show; you can sit on my antique loveseat.

  My fathers taught me about the importance of love.

  I desire love above everything. If it is withheld by a parent, it can do immeasurable harm. Not everyone is capable of giving the love we need. Not everyone shows love the same way. Some people’s love is toxic. God’s love is my rock. By being so hungry for intimacy, I learned to physically touch those I love, and to give and accept a hug. I tell my children, “ I love you” every time we talk. By showing my love, I receive love in return.

  I learned to forgive.

  Anger and hate are not productive. They hurt me more than the ones who wronged me. Broken people hurt others. Learning my fathers’ pasts--and the reasons they were who they were-- enabled me to stop taking their actions personally and helped me to heal. I also learned to forgive myself for the feelings I had toward them. Guilt is like cancer. Love/Hate are sides of the same emotional coin; constant flipping wears you out. Forgiveness brings peace.

  My fathers taught me many lessons.

  Like seeing a picture in the negative between spaces, I learned as much from what they did not do as I did from what they did. Would I have preferred to have been raised by healthy people? You bet I would. Am I going to let my unfortunate coin toss ruin my life? No way. The buck stops here, and I’ll take it in change.

  • 8:53 am
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